“Don’t find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain.” – Henry Ford
"My boss is driving me crazy."
"My co-worker is so unreasonable."
"I can't believe this person did this."
"I wish this person would do x, y, z."
I hear these kinds of comments regularly from clients, friends, and family… the things that irritate us about other people and their annoying behaviors.
Imagine, however, that these "other people" didn't exist purely to irritate you… that actually there was some hidden information within these complaints – either yours or theirs.
Rather than getting "hooked" by other people's less skillful behavior, our complaints about them, or their complaints about you, learning to "hear" and respond to the real need or request underneath can transform your communication with other people, and eliminate a lot of unnecessary drama.
Try this:
1) The next time your boss, co-worker, spouse, child, etc., complains to you about something you did or gives you critical feedback, listen for the legitimate need underneath their complaint.
Imagine that that they just didn't know how to ask for what they need. Instead of responding defensively to blaming, a crabby tone of voice, or whining, you can by-pass it by replying in a way that directly addresses their need.
Another way to think about this: what if what the person was saying about you, or was complaining about, was 2% true? Owning your part of whatever complaint the other person has and then responding to the legitimate need can diffuse a lot of conflict.
Example: "I thought I asked for that report today." (The need is information on when they can expect the report finished)
Response: "You're right – you did. I'll have it ready for you by 5pm." (when will the report be done)
Example: "You're late again." (The need is to be more punctual)
Response: "You're right. I know you value starting on time, so please start without me."
2) When you have a complaint or frustration about something your boss, co-worker, spouse, child, etc. does, identify your legitimate need underneath, and make a request rather than a complaint.
To practice this skill, think of a current conflict you have with a person in your life. Take a piece of paper and divide it down the center with a line. On the left hand side, write 1 complaint or frustration per line: on the corresponding line on the right hand side, rephrase the complaint as a request.
Example:
Complaint: Yells at me.
Request: Please use a calm tone of voice when speaking.
Complaint: Dismisses my ideas.
Request: Please hear me out before making a decision that concerns me.
In the Comments below, I'd love to hear from you on this topic. Try the skill of turning a complaint into a need or request and tell me:
– What happened when you responded to another's legitimate need instead of getting hooked?
– What happened when you could frame your own frustrations as a request?
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Before specializing as a professional coach in 2004, I spent more than a decade in leadership, management and program development for state and local government and non-profit organizations. Now I get to help leaders and teams have more clarity and ability to stand up for what's important in their work and in their organizations. Working with me, leaders and teams find more meaning and purpose, feel happier and more confident, navigate change and conflict, and work together better.
This is a huge area I need to work on (especially with my kids). I easily go into defensive mode and even if I don’t last out at someone, I get a tad hostile and pass the blame for my mistake. This strategy takes a tremendous amount of emotional intelligence and I can’t wait to try it.
Natasha, as one of my mentors/teachers says, doing this work in your family is the final exam — meaning that it is often the most difficult to practice these skills with our most loved ones. I would love to hear what happens for you and your kids!
I need to send this article out to a few people! You said something earlier that really resonated – “transforming your communication.” This post is helpfully personally and professionally. With truly great leaders – they know that every interaction is an opportunity to connect with someone in a more meaningful way.
Love this approach, Hanna. I like the idea of validating a complaint as 2% true and taking ownnership as well as identifying the underlying need. Makes forming the request a logical and less confrontational step. Thanks! Your post made me think of the book “Crucial Confrontations.” Great stuff.
Thanks, Deirdre! Love what you are saying – taking each opportunity to connect in a meaningful way is the hallmark of a great leader. Spread the word! : )
Glad if it resonated for you, Denise. Crucial Confrontations is a great resource too – thanks for mentioning it! Thanks for coming by!
Thanks for the tips on “listening between the lines.” It is so helpful to decode the subtext and find out what’s really at play than to give in to our reactions and let the emotion run away with us. Thanks for the easy solution!
Someone gave me excellent advice that fits into this blog. I was getting defensive when a new employee was telling me how I should have done a better job of addressing issues. I would get defensive and tell the new employee what the constraints had been when I made the decisions I made. Now, when she does the same thing, I respond along the lines of “I am so glad your here to help us do our work. With your help, we can really do X,Y,Z (whatever she says I didn’t do but should have).
You’re welcome, Heidi – I’m glad if it’s helpful!
That’s a great real world example putting this principle of responding to the request right into practice, Laura! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!
I appreciate that the key piece to this is to stop and think. I have never met anyone who is actually intentionally irritating me! Two small things I would add…
1) Ask yourself why you are irritated? There is typically something within us that feeds into the annoyance.
2) Ask clarifying questions. This helps me to better understand where people are coming from or at least demonstrate that I care about what they are saying/doing and that it might not be as clear as they would like.
Great post!
Emily, I’d agree – rarely if ever is someone intentionally trying to irritate us! It is our assumptions, perceptions or beliefs that drive our experience, and your suggestions are great. Thanks for the comment!