“To grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” – Madeleine L’Engle
For a long time in my life, I had a secret:
I desperately feared being seen as vulnerable.
I tried to be the most competent, self-sufficient person, daughter, spouse and employee I could be. Not asking for help, not wanting to appear to not know the answer to any question that was asked.
It wasn’t because I wanted to be a know-it-all; frankly, I was terribly afraid to make a mistake, or be seen as incompetent.
I had confused being vulnerable with being seen as weak.
And I know I’m not alone in that belief: it’s a common misconception of many leaders to make this error.
But as the world shifts to recognizing and valuing the importance of relationships and interpersonal skills in a leader, we’re all learning that vulnerability is a precursor for creating meaningful and trusting connections at work and at home.
Being vulnerable doesn’t mean spilling all your beans, violating emotional boundaries, or crying on your co-workers’ shoulders all day.
What it does mean is finding ways to be courageous: with your own authenticity, by demonstrating transparency, and in having a willingness to ask for help.
So, how can we embrace the gifts of vulnerability?
1) Have the courage to be imperfect. What in life is truly and consistently “perfect”? Perfect is often little more than an unattainable ideal – and pretty boring. You, just as you are, are more interesting and vital than any cut-out carbon copy.
2) Be willing to do what is uncomfortable and un-guaranteed but necessary. Being vulnerable is a little messy. Sometimes a lot messy. But the return on investment with taking uncomfortable but necessary risks is great. Taking these types of risks is actually what has changed history, over and over again.
3) Bump up your transparency and integrity. Say what you mean, and do what you say. Give other people a window into what you are thinking and your motivations. Honesty is not only the best policy but it’s usually easier and simpler in the long run.
4) Ask for help. No (wo)man is an island, and some of your best resources in solving complicated issues reside in the people directly around you. Practice the skill of asking for help regularly.
5) Practice compassion towards yourself and others. Being willing to be vulnerable requires some tenderness and compassion – first with yourself, and then with others.
6) Watch and learn from the masters. Some of the greatest leaders are impactful because of, rather than despite, their vulnerabilities: study your heroes. Children are also great teachers of vulnerability. And if you haven’t seen or read them yet, Brene Brown’s TED talks and books are great resources for anyone who wants to learn more about this important topic.
Try these out and you may just find that it’s easier to be an imperfect and growing human being than pretending to be invulnerable.
Your turn
In the Comments section below, I’d love to hear from you: How do you embrace your own vulnerability? What’s different when you allow yourself to be vulnerable?
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Editor’s note: This post was originally published in April 2013 and has been updated for content and relevancy.
Photo credit: DepositPhotos
Before specializing as a professional coach in 2004, I spent more than a decade in leadership, management and program development for state and local government and non-profit organizations. Now I get to help leaders and teams have more clarity and ability to stand up for what's important in their work and in their organizations. Working with me, leaders and teams find more meaning and purpose, feel happier and more confident, navigate change and conflict, and work together better.
I feel like this blog is an excerpt out of my journal. Most of my life I have felt the exact same way – never show doubt, never show fear, avoid any kind of interpersonal emotional intimacy at all costs. This recipe makes not for strength but for a silo. Thanks for this great reminder.
Great topic Hanna. And you’re right–being vulnerable takes courage with a capital “C”! I’m going to check out the TED talks you mentioned. Thanks for a good look at this subject! I also think vulnerability opens up working relationships that may not otherwise be formed. People want to be useful and helpful to others. When you show vulnerability, you give them that opportunity.
That’s a powerful way to put it, Natasha. Thanks for that insight & your comment!
Wonderful post, Hanna. And a helpful to-do list: ask for help, be willing to do what’s uncomfortable… I can think of dozens of leaders who need these reminders (frequently). Myself included.
Great point, Denise – I agree! We often fear being vulnerable when in reality it’s never as bad as we think it will be – and others are usually there to comfort us anyway! Thanks so much for your comment and insight!
Thanks, Deirdre – we seem to be on the same page this week in our posts! Great minds think alike? Thanks for stopping by!
Great post, Hanna. This actually ties into a contest I’m working on. (Synchronicity at its finest!) I’d love to link back to this in one of my upcoming posts sometime in May.
Keeping a good sense of humor has helped me navigate these waters. I also like the idea of thanking people for helping me because they have a strength that I do not. I think people respond when they know they can make an impact in your life. I am finding the more honest and real I can be with people, the more time I have to enjoy them. It takes a lot of effort staying scared.
Thanks for stopping by & commenting, Adrianne! I’d love to hear more about your contest – great idea! – and please do feel free to link back anytime!
David, great points! Humor is an excellent antedote in so many situations – thanks for pointing to that, along with the importance of saying thank you. Being able to free ourselves from our fear – to harvest the information that is there, but not being run by it – is so critical. Thanks for commenting!
Awesome, thank you! You’ll hear more about my contest soon! Look for an email in about three weeks. 🙂
WooT! : )
Always appearing competent has been my Achilles heel that I have had to learn to let go. Typically I will generate the solution and deliver that fait accompli. I’ve found that sharing my thought process on how I’m approaching a problem creates a wonderful window. When I share the process, I may not have the answer, and for me that can be uncomfortable. When I invite others into my way of thinking I find that they will offer alternating points of view and even other solutions. Asking for help I’ve found is a wonderful way to to get vulnerable.
One of the things that I try to remember is to only let certain people see me “navel gaze”. “Navel Gazing” is the act of focusing on yourself. If you physically do this, you realize that you can only do this for a short time otherwise you cannot not move forward effectively. I think being vulnerable is being honest but not stuck by your assessment of yourself.
Having a trusted set of advisors is critical, David: http://www.hannacooper.com/making_a_difference/2012/11/lead-smarter-in-a-world-of-lonely-leaders.html
That’s a great example, Heidi – transparency is great way of connecting with others and finding new ways of doing things. Thanks for your insight!
Loved this post Hanna and really enjoyed the link to Brene Brown’s video. Thank Thank you, Susan
Thanks, Susan! It’s great to hear from you, and I’m glad you liked the post & Brene Brown’s video!